Deatheaters Not Doing Anything
by Gailgameshy
Summary: Started as a one-shot fic, but kinda spiraled from there. Silly Songs demanded equality, and who am I to argue with a cucumber?
1. The Opening Gambit

~AN~ I formally bow down to both JKR and Big Idea, which owns VeggieTales, and therefore, Silly Songs with Larry, which is how you find the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. Anybody who has never seen an episode of Veggie Tales must go rent one from their library after reading this fic. And if you have seen one, you should check out 3-2-1 Penguins! also by Big Idea. Anyway, onto the fic, which is pretty much pointless. And I wish I could point you to an online version of the original song, as it should hopefully be funnier if you can hear it in your head.  
  
Narrator: We come across a late evening in the Slytherin Common Room, only to find 3 very minor Slytherins. None of the major characters are around, and we are able to attain a glimpse of how less troublesome Slytherins behave when supposedly unobserved. They are identified as Blaise Zabini, and the only last name Quidditch players Bletchley and Warrington.  
  
All: We're the Deatheaters Who Don't Do Anything! We just lurk in halls and lounge around. And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you.  
  
Blaise: We don't do anything!  
  
Bletchley: Well, I've never tripped a Muggle, and I've never hexed a Mud- blood, and I've never placed a Weasley in the way of certain harm, and I've never lied to Hagrid, and I've never kicked a puppy, and I never got a Dark Mark on the arm!  
  
All: 'Cuz we're the Deatheaters Who Don't Do Anything! We just lurk in halls and lounge around. And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you.  
  
Warrington: We don't do anything. And I never bow to Malfoy, and I never hit on Pansy, and I never wrote graffiti just so I could raise alarm, and I've never mocked the Trio, and I've never hurt ol' Albus, and I never got a Dark Mark on the arm!  
  
All: 'Cuz we're the Deatheaters Who Don't Do Anything! We just lurk in halls and lounge around. And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you we don't do anything.  
  
Blaise: Well, I've never got a gender, and I'm not too good at Quidditch, and I've never sang a chorus of Old MacDonald's farm, and I've never kissed a kneazle, and I've never had a lawn gnome, and I never got a Dark Mark on the arm!  
  
Bletchley: Huh? What are you talking about? What's your gender and Old MacDonald have to do with being a Death Eater?  
  
Warrington: Hey, that's right! We're supposed to sing about Deatheater-y things!  
  
Blaise: Oh.  
  
Bletchley: And who ever kissed a kneazle? That's just nonsense! Why even bring it up? Am I right? What do you think?  
  
Warrington: I think you look like Lord Voldemort.  
  
Bletchley: Huh? No I don't!  
  
Warrington: Do to.  
  
Bletchley: Do not!  
  
Warrington: You are making me frightened.  
  
Bletchley: That's it, you're going under Cruciatus!  
  
Warrington: Says who?  
  
Bletchley: Says the leader, that's who!  
  
Warrington: Oh, yeah? Well, let me bow down to you, Lord Voldemort!  
  
Bletchley: Arg!  
  
Warrington: Yikes!  
  
Blaise: And I've never kicked a boggart, and I've never sniffed Ms. Bulstrode, and I've never wanted to live at Hogwarts as the primary schoolmarm, and I've never bathed in yoghurt, and I don't look good in leggings.  
  
Bletchley: You just don't get it!  
  
All: And we've never got a Dark Mark on the arm! 


	2. Reaction from Slytherin

The Slytherin table was in an uproar as they read the "Student Work" section of the 1st edition of the Hogwarts Gazette. So was the Gryffindor table, but the uproars were completely different. Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff were quietly enjoying the piece of writing, with the Muggle-borns explaining where it came from and quietly singing.  
  
"How dare they accuse us of this!" Draco Malfoy could be heard to shout.  
  
"I do too have a gender!" Blaise yelled, causing the entire Hall to fall silent. As everyone turned to look at Zabini, Millicent Bulstrode spoke up.  
  
"Yes you do have a gender, Blaise. Unfortunately, you are extremely androgynous, which makes it difficult to determine which you possess. You know this. You've always known this. Get over it."  
  
This ended the full out shouting over the writing, but the Slytherins decided to fight fire with fire. Next week, the Gryffindors would see how it felt. 


	3. Dance of Harry Potter

"Dance of Harry Potter"  
  
Today Colin Creevey will be performing the traditional Argentinian ballad, "The Dance of Harry Potter" in its original Spanish. Ronald Weasley will translate.  
  
Colin: Miren Harry Potter Ron: Watch Harry Potter.  
  
Colin: Vean cómo se mueve Ron: See how he moves  
  
Colin: como un crup tras un gato. Ron: Like a crup chasing a cat.  
  
Colin: Miren Harry Potter Ron: Watch Harry Potter  
  
Colin: Qué suaves movimientos Ron: Oh, how smooth his motion  
  
Colin: Es como mantequilla Ron: like butter  
  
Colin: en un kappa pelón. Ron: on a.bald kappa  
  
Colin: Miren Harry Potter Ron: Watch Harry Potter  
  
Colin: los estudiántes Ron: all the students  
  
Colin: envidian a su amigo Ron: envy their friend  
  
Colin: como él quieren volar! Ron: wishing to fly as he.  
  
Colin: Potter volarín, Potter volarín, Potter volarín Ron: Flying Potter, flying Potter, flying Potter  
  
Colin: Vola, vola, ya! Ron: Fly, fly, yeah!  
  
Colin: Miren Ronald Weasley Ron: Look at Ronald Weasley  
  
Colin: No es triste? Ron: Isn't it sad?  
  
Colin: Él no puede volar. Ron: He can't fly.  
  
Colin: Pobre Weasley! Ron: Poor Weasley!  
  
Colin: Él desearía poder volar como Harry Potter Ron: He wishes he could fly like Harry Potter  
  
Colin: rapído y agíl Ron: Quick and nimble.  
  
Colin: Pero él no puede volar. Ron: But he can't.Okay! Stop the music! What do ya mean I can't fly! I can fly! Didn't you see me flying for Fleur when she was here again last year?  
  
Colin: N comprendo. Ron: No comprendo? I'll show you 'No comprendo'!  
  
Dennis Creevey: Mom! Dad! Look over here! Get a picture of me next to Colin singing about Harry Potter!  
  
Mr. Creevey: Okay, Dennis. But I think we better hurry-I think the elves have your mother confused with someone else. Say 'Cheese!'  
  
All: Cheese!  
  
Colin: Escuchen Harry Potter Ron: Listen to Harry Potter  
  
Colin: oigan su voz fuerte Ron: hear his strong voice  
  
Colin: como un león Ron: like a lion  
  
Colin: listo a devorar. Ron: about to eat.  
  
Colin: Escuchen Harry Potter Ron: Listen to Harry Potter  
  
Colin: qué dulce es su canto Ron: how sweet his voice  
  
Colin: Que sopla su garganta, parece un trinar. Ron: the breath from his throat is like a chorus of little birdies.  
  
Colin: Escuchen Harry Potter Ron: Listen to Harry Potter  
  
Colin: los estudiántes Ron: all the students  
  
Colin: evidian a su amigo Ron: envy their friend  
  
Colin: como él quieren cantar. Ron: wishing to sing as he.  
  
Colin: Potter cantador, Potter cantador, Potter cantador Ron: Singing Potter, singing Potter, singing Potter  
  
Colin: canta, canta, ya! Ron: sing, sing, yeah!  
  
Colin: Escuchen Ronald Weasley Ron: Listen to Ronald Weasley  
  
Colin: No es triste? Ron: Isn't it sad?  
  
Colin: Él no puede cantar. Ron: He can't sing.  
  
Colin: Pobre Weasley. Ron: Poor Weasley.  
  
Colin: Él desearía poder cantar Ron: He wishes he could sing  
  
Colin: fuerte y dulce como Harry Potter Ron: strong and sweet like Harry Potter  
  
Colin: Pereo él no puede. Ron: But he can't.  
  
Colin: Ni siquiera dar un silbido! Ron: Can't even.whistle! All right! That's it Senor! Come over here and let me sing you a song!  
  
Colin: Ron is really angry! I hope he doesn't catch me! It's so hard to run with this sombrero on my head! 


	4. Counterattack damage

~A/N~ I really should be working on a paper right now, but this just won't leave me alone. Every time I get a review, it makes me want to go out and write out the next chapter. And, just so everyone knows, I do know what I'm going to be doing, and I already have the rest of the story planned out, so I won't leave this story hanging as a WIP forever. And I would like to thank Hedgie, daintress, April4, Courteney Chilton, Dreamer101, Silly Riddles, ViviBlack, and weaselking for their wonderful reviews! You are what makes me write, especially as much as this. 10 points to each of your houses.  
  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The morning the Slytherin counter-attack became public, the Slytherins tittered, the Hufflepuffs giggled, the Ravenclaws snickered, and the Gryffindors decided it was an act of war. Those sitting at the High Table were free to hear all of this, and began taking sides: Slytherin, Gryffindor, or those who felt the entire thing was foolish.  
  
"Well, the Gryffindors were more original with their new words," Professor Flitwick said to Professor Sprout.  
  
"Yes, but the Slytherins took the time to find more of these Muggle songs in order to exact their revenge," she said in reply.  
  
"This entire thing is extraordinarily foolish," Professor Vector stated quite loudly, drawing the silent agreement of Snape, who was sitting in his chair glowering. He knew that it wasn't going to take long before the students were attacking more than just each other with these songs, and the Gryffindors would especially be liable to go after him.  
  
"You know, Albus, the thing I can't figure out is why the editor is allowing these to be printed," McGonagall whispered to the Headmaster.  
  
"Yes, it is intriguing, is it not? But perhaps he wished to encourage the students creativity the only way those two houses will allow it. Lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked, his eyes twinkling like they always did.  
  
"Oh, really! It IS breakfast at the moment, in case you forgot, and we are not even halfway through the meal. Stop tacking that offer to the end of every one of your 'brilliant insights'," McGonagall snapped. "And will you please look up the counter-curse for that Christmas tree hex. Honestly, it happened fifty years ago, you could have easily found the time to research it. One of these days the twinkling is going to blow out your eyes!" 


End file.
